“Blame or credit, does not belong to the child alone. Parents, those who raised the child, must be given equal credit, or blame. That does not change, when the child is one, twenty or ninety years old.” Omar Kiam
How a person develops as an adult is directly tied to how that person is raised. It is not enough to simply give birth, feed and clothe a child. What a parent does and says have a direct impact on how a child develops, just as much as what is not said or done.
Studies have shown that children who are not held and shown love within the first two years after birth never fully develop the parts of the brain that control emotions.
Once the damage is done, a parent can’t simply walk away from that child. A parent can’t be held blameless for how a child turns out. The law does not find someone innocent whose defense is ignorance of the law. The same is true with raising children. It is the parents responsibility to provide a loving and nurturing environment for their children. For all of their children and not to their favorites. It is the parents responsibility to learn what is required to properly raise a child.
I can speak this way because I grew up in an environment where children were seen as objects. Children were a means for parents to better themselves. More children increased their chances for being taken care of in their old age. Attention was given to the children who showed the most promise.
It is difficult for a anyone to grow up normal in this type of environment. For children who require special care due to mental illness, this type of environment is dangerous.
As an adult, I have walked away from those who gave birth to me and raised me, no longer acknowledging their existence. They are not blameless, nor should they be.
Writing my biography caused me to question if it was time for forgiveness. It is not. Maybe if this was done to me alone I might, but they had ten children, most of whom carry scars to this day.
For those who care to learn more, you can read my story in Coming to Astoria: An Immigrants Tale. If after reading it you think it was a mistake to call myself parent-less, while one of them is still living, I would grateful if you share your thoughts with me.
Too often the parents are looked at as victims, when it is they who should be held accountable.